CSAP PROFICIENT PARAGRAPH SAMPLE CREATED IN CLASS 9/17
Brittney Spears is a magnet attracting all eyes. That girl craves attention. First, she had paparazzi take pictures of her while the barber shaved her bald. Next, the silly, ridiculous girl had her skull tattooed as she sat in the parlor's front chair by the windows. Finally, the singer attacked an innocent car; she stabbed it with her Gucci umbrella! Brittney Spears is certainly immature for her age. Personally, I think she needs to grow up.
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Points earned by this paragraph on the CSAP rubric:
+1 indented
+1 returns to the margin after 1st line
+2 has 7-9 sentences (gets a point for 4-6 and another for going 7-9)
+1 topic sentence that has a main idea (The topic is Brittney Spears is a magnet; the main idea is that she attracts all eyes.)
+1 topic sentence is supported by the 2nd sentence before other sentences give vivid details ("That girl really craves attention.")
+1 conclusion has 2 sentences that do not repeat any words from the introduction and make a personal connection or comment
+1 comma after transition words (first, next, finally, personally)
+1 powerful vocabulary (attracting, paparazzi, skull, immature)
+2 multiple modifiers (2 adjectives joined by a comma for strong description: "silly, ridiculous girl")
+2 correct use of a semi-colon (1 point for compound sentence; 1 point for advanced punctuation)
+2 contains a variety of sentences (simple and compound...if I add a complex sentence, I get another point!)
Ex of simple: "That girl really craves attention." It has one idea, one subject, and one action.
Ex of compound: "Finally, the singer attacked an innocent car; she stabbed it with her Gucci umbrella!" It has 2 related sentences with 2 subjects and 2 actions joined by punctuation...could be a semi-colon or a comma + and)
Ex of complex: "Because she is so immature, Brittney makes some very poor choices in her behavior." Complex sentences start with a phrase, followed by a comma, followed by a complete sentence.